"The times you're healing, and when your heart breaks. The times that you feel like you're falling from grace." --"Times", Tenth Avenue North
"Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away, from You leaving me this way." --"East to West", Casting Crowns
"Look at all the pretty things, that steal my heart away, I can feel I'm fading. Lord I love so many things, that keep me from Your face." --"All the Pretty Things,Tenth Avenue North
As you can see, falling from grace, or feeling as if we've lost the Lord is something that all Christians face. Looking at these song lyrics totally inspires me- it's like being welcomed into a family that totally understands what you're going through. It was only by the grace of God that I got out of what happened to me today.
I deliberately disobeyed. I didn't even realize so until I took a look at the clock and realized that I almost missed quiet time. Fast forward, my heart's heavy and I know I need to confess. I do, and literally cast down every thought against my heavenly Prince and every demon in hell and STILL fall into that same stupid hole of condemnation. Joyce Meyer describes condemnation as "trying to make up for the sin God has already forgiven. Our version of paying for sin."
Guilt. It was guilt. That emotion that literally tears down everything that is within me and makes me grieve from the inner being of my soul. Just as David says here, "I was too troubled to speak. I thought about the former fays, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night." I sung along hollowly to the lyrics of a worship song, meanwhile crying out to Him from the depths of my soul.
After being so close, after tasting just a little of what it's like to be so close to His heart, I could never go back. The very thought of trying to be in charge of my life was breathtaking- enough to have fresh tears co-rouse down my cheeks.
And then. Seemingly out of nowhere, lyrics that I'd sung months ago about God's love began pouring in my head, slowly at first, and then began collecting as I played them. "Times" was the first. "Fallen from Grace" is the title of this post. "Fallen from grace" was how I could put into words how I was feeling. One day, I was sitting at God's right hand, conversing with Him in my everyday life, living the way I was supposed to and happy. Next day, I feel as if that is all gone- something I will never get back. As David Crowder's version of, "He Loves Us" played on, I looked to see what my Savior had to say about His love. In Psalm 77, David laments become mine. This isn't the first time David and I share the same pit. Such great friends we would have made if he lived in the twenty first century!
"I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. I was too troubled to speak. I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night. My heart mused and my spirit inquired: Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? (Have I fallen from grace?)Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High." I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds. Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as out God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples. With your mighty arm you redeemed your people; the descendants of Jacob and Joseph." Medley of Psalm 77 (NIV)As if on cue, a past message I'd listened to during breakfast replayed in my mind: You choose to believe and your feelings will come after. Then I poured out and asked God to show me how much He really loves me. Loves you. Loves us all!
God's currently dealing with me now about trusting Him, and knowing He's there even when I can't feel. If this is also something you struggle with, I suggest you tape some verses about Jesus's love for you on your bathroom mirror, confess promises Jesus made concerning you and Him, and even the simplest- saying 'God loves me!' every time you see yourself in the mirror. It might take months, but remember, that seed is still growing!
"I'm there in your sorrow, under the weigh of your shame. I'm there in your heartache. I'm there in the storm. My love will keep you, by my pow'r alone. I don't care where you fall, or where you have been. I'll never forsake you, my love never ends. It never ends." --"Times", Tenth Avenue North
"I can't live by what I feel. About the truth Your word reveals. I'm not holding onto You, You're holding onto me. You're holding onto me. In the arms of your mercy I find rest 'cause you know just how far the east is from the west from one scarred hand to the other." --"East to West", Casting Crowns
"We are, we are, we're caught in the in between. But we're fighting for what we already have received." --"All the Pretty Things, Tenth Avenue NorthHe loves you,